mommy guilt

Lordy pete, what a few days can do. I was completely down in the dumps and now I am back to myself and feeling good. Time helps so I just know life is going to get better & better here in Texas. One of the hardest adjustments has been taking Miriam to a new school every day. Because of our timing I had to enroll her in two mother's day out programs in a strange city without knowing anyone in either one. It's crazy when you don't know where to look, but when in doubt, find a church. There's usually nice ladies there and if not keep on looking.

The two programs I found are great and I know she is well taken care of, BUT it was very emotional to just drop her off not really knowing the community. I'm pretty sure I cried every morning those first weeks. I was a mess. In my mind I knew she was fine, but I felt wrapped with guilt. How could I leave that sweet Moosh even for a few hours? Especially, when she started getting upset when I would drop her off. She was always so chill and easy when I left her before, but now she was crying "mommy, mommy" as I handed her off. I mean, seriously broke my heart. Plus she was exhausted from being at school all day so when I picked her up she was moody and cranky. I think I underestimated how hard the move would be on her. I simply assumed that since we'd moved before and she was always on the go with me that she'd be fine, but those first weeks were rough. Your whole body just aches when they are upset and this huge sense of responsibility that comes with having a child is something I'm still trying to grasp.

The part of me that loves work feels bad that I'm not with her all the time & the part of me that loves being with her misses the satisfaction and happiness from my work. This whole yin & yang thing… whew, I had no idea the mental balance would be this hard. A friend of mine posted this article on facebook and though I don't really get into the "mommy wars" part I think its such a wonderful reminder that the juggle of motherhood is a balance no matter what you choose. We ladies have to stick together after all. For now though, I'm going to make this work and enjoy it. Just got to balance life the best I can for our family.

And when I do pick up Miriam at the end of the day, big cheeks smiling and little body running towards me, well all I can say is it's real, pure magic.