girls only

No boys allowed… that's what Miriam kept saying all weekend. You gotta be careful what you say around a toddler, cause boy does it stick! Daddy was off on a ski trip with some buddies so it was indeed a girls only weekend. We had ourselves a big old time. Crafting, a birthday party, banana pancakes at Legal Grounds, a Target jaunt, supper on the patio, and a trip to the bookstore for a new Max & Ruby book. Two and a half is sort of a hilarious age. She says super silly things, corrects me often, walks on her tip-toes a lot, and tells me "that is not my favorite" all of the time. That shirt is not my favorite, that spoon is not my favorite, that fruit is not my favorite… and on and on. I caught her with sharpie last night and she just died laughing as she ran away from me. Dumping her crayon bowl on the ground is another favorite activity. Lordy-pete, she's a spitfire when she wants to be. And that's cool. Exhausting, but I totally dig that she has so much personality. We had burgers at Hopdoddy with her buddy Belle & my buddy Whitney which was so great, but when these 2 girls get together… watch out. They giggle and get all loosey-goosey on us as we try and restrain them to the table.

I spent nap time + night time working on my out of control office. Paperwork, filing, bills, rearranging, ughh… cleaning is not my favorite. Better now though and I have to admit it feels good. Another baby I was taking care of the last few days was Bran. I don't even think I've introduced him, but meet the big buddy. We adopted him from the lab rescue here in town back in December. He's sort of a Cooper twin and is seriously sweet and just wants to curl up next to ya all the time. He had to have a little surgery for his leg which had been broken and worked on way before we got him. Poor guy has been through a lot, but we are sure glad to have him. Anyway, he's on the mend, but he's been super needy since he cant run around. Miriam on my hip and Brando at my side, I was never lonely for company, but I was sure glad to see T roll in the door last night. So much nicer when there's two.

jet-setting for half a second

It was thundering, lightning, and snowing all at the same time Tuesday morning. Who ever said Texas had normal weather? I was rushing around, waiting for my taxi, and waiting on my very late nanny to show. It was a cluster, but I got to the airport and made it to Nashville for my whirlwind trip. I had a big, big meeting for Tenn Hens. I was trying not to be nervous, but impossible. I sampled multiple outfits and wore my grandmothers special bracelet just for extra luck. Currier picked me up and we ate lunch at Bricktops to kill some time. We sipped cappuccinos and discussed all the exciting projects juggling in front of us. Sometimes I pinch myself thinking how lucky I am to love my job as much as I do.

Then it was back to Dallas - such the jet-setter, right?! Back to my baby girl who was so excited when I picked her up from school. "Mommy you all done with meeting?" and "Mommy, you're going to stay with me?" Mmmm, I could eat her up she's so darn sweet. What a week I tell ya and now it's back to basics. Trevor reminded me we were out of bread, milk, and trash bags this morning. Eeeks… reality check after feeling all fancy!

new resolutions

2013… the new year. We drove back from Nashville to Dallas on New Years Eve. It was cold & rainy and there wasn't an inch of extra room, but we survived with a little help from our friend the ipad. It was bittersweet to roll on down the road and leave friends, and family, and the feeling of home behind. Our stay had been packed with good memories …church visits, an evening with my college roomies, burger up, pucketts, shopping, les miserables movie, bond movie, terrible red wine hangover, playdate with tutus, a wedding, cousins dinner at nona, seeing a bobcat on a walk on the farm, seeing babies amelia, jason, annie, lily, & dorothy,  delivering hens holiday gifts, fancy sperrys diner, a day in chattanooga, milk punch, girls dinner, girls party, crepes on xmas morning, makeover day with my sis-in-law, and lots and lots of playing with my girl}… but believe it or not I was ready to get back to our new home and ready to get back into our routine. Driving cross country gave us plenty of time to think on the year past and dream about the next one. We sipped some bubbly then crashed way before the ball dropped. I am praying hard that 2013 is a better year. My list of resolutions and ideas is quite long, but that's what the new year is for. A time to feel inspired and start reaching high all over again.

Now I'm back in my little corner of the house, heater under my desk watching the rain come down and dreaming up plans for Tenn Hens. Miriam is back in the routine of her school days and seemed anxious to return to the busy activity. Trevor is back to his commute to McKinney each day, but returned early yesterday for his bi b-day celebration. His new record player spun some tunes after all the dishes were done and the football game was turned off. Back to our home, back to routine, and back to life in the big D.

holidays at home

It's good to be home. Lots of work and lots of visits with friends. Since I'm here for such a long stay I am doing my darndest to see everyone and do every single thing on my list. Little Christmas shopping left to do, but I am basically ready for the big day and hopefully the cold weather will finally stick. Moosh has once again taken to farm life. Lots of extra attention, walks, and playing in the field like a flower child. Donkeys spoiled with daily carrots. And we made these holiday shortbread cookies that are so delish. The little lady is having herself a big 'ole time.
I also had a special old friend from Auburn sweep into town for the quickest visit ever. Way too short, but it was such a treat. We're all in different states now so when we get together there is endless talking trying to cram it all in! We told hilarious stories and sat out under the stars besides a big fire pit - heaven. Then we soaked up our big night out with some country cookin' at Pucket's the next morning.
  This season is such joy and fellowship, but this year is definitely harder for obvious reasons. Missing Trevor's momma feels heavy and this horrendous Sandy-Hook tragedy is beyond comprehension. I've been loving on my family even more and squeezing friends. Time with one another is a gift. Lots of blessings to you this season!

warm welcome home

We landed in a drizzly, foggy Nashville last weekend, but it didn't dampen my mood one bit. I was thrilled just to be home. A wedding Saturday night and then a party on Sunday - that is my kind of homecoming! If rain really is a lucky charm on a wedding day then this couple certainly got their fill. It poured and thundered right as we sat down for supper, but it made for a very lively mood inside the warm tent. Lots of hugging and chatter and a few spins on the dance floor with my family - such a ball.

Then my dear friend (and partner in crime) threw me a little shindig on Sunday. I've told ya she's special! She fixed a ton of delicious food, my mom made champagne punch, and friends stopped by. Miriam ran around the whole time, scurrying between legs and grabbing a ham & roll whenever they were in her reach. I am so lucky to have these beautiful ladies in my life. So, so lucky.
 

wrapping it up

It's 80 outside and there are still mosquitos in Texas, but I got my Christmas cards in the mail so that must mean it really is December. Got my bags packed and ready to touchdown in Tennessee tomorrow. 'Aint no place I'd rather be.

the thankful feast

There is already tinsel strung all over town, but I'm still soaking up the gifts of Thanksgiving. This years feast was different in many ways. We stayed in Texas and hosted a small group of friends here at the house. It was our first year to not be with our family which felt strange, but, surprisingly, it also felt exciting to be in our house and not have to travel. Our best friends in town, Whitney & Chris, came over with their family and everyone divided duties on the cooking.

The girls played and twirled around in their fairy wings from Whitney's momma outside and managed to entertain themselves which was sort of miraculous. I loved setting the table and fussing around the house the days leading up to the main event. The weather couldn't have been nicer and even allowed us to enjoy our new patio furniture. Conversation was easy, food was divine, and so on and so on. The only thing missing was a call from Marilyn. Holidays can be especially bittersweet when you've lost someone and that sinking feeling kept creeping in even with all the joy in the air.
 
What keeps bringing me back to the now and drawing me back to the joy is my family. I'm incredibly grateful for my husband and my baby, so grateful for my family back home, and grateful for my new family of friends here. Whitney's daddy said grace as we all held hands (even the littles) on Thanksgiving and I was steadied by his words and by the feeling of family and support around us.

I read this, by Anne Lamott, about saying grace… "We savor these moments out of time, when we are conscious of love's presence, of Someone's great abiding generosity to our dear and motley family, these holy moments of gratitude. And that is grace."

big easy express

The baby sitter arrived and we set out for a rare Sunday afternoon by ourselves. We'd planned this day before everything happened and now it seemed even more important to get out of the house for a bit. Windows down to let the cool wind whip around us. It felt beautiful as we drove along.
We had tickets for a screening of Big Easy Express at the Texas Theater. It's a wonderful old theater in kinda a funky part of town. The music in the film was such a wonderful distraction from our heavy hearts. I couldn't keep my foot from tapping as the bands played together on this wild train ride across country. Edward Sharpe, Mumford & Sons, and Old Crow - quite the rag tag caravan of folks and they were awesome. Real music, real songs, and adventurous spirit. I escaped in my mind and traveled along, dreaming of "running away with the band," just like I did years ago watching Almost Famous. Even when I'm down and in the worst of times I can be pulled up through music. At least for a little while. The film is really great and you should totally see it if you can. Maybe you'll want to run away with the band along with me!

/// In these bodies we will live. In these bodies we will die. ///

Where you invest your love, you invest your life. - mumford + sons

marilyn

There are those big moments in life you'll never forget and yet you don't want to remember. Time stands still and objects are a blur. I got a call from Trevor last Thursday that changed everything. He said his mom, Marilyn, had been in a car accident and she didn't make it. The panic in his voice and the pain in his words ran through me and dropped me to the floor. The word "no" kept coming out of my mouth. Over and over and over again, it's all I could manage to say. As I waited for him to get home, my body just shook.

I'm not even sure now how to describe the last few days other than hell. When someone dies unexpectedly, there is no celebration. No party to rejoice in their life. It just feels too sudden and too painful. We were filled with sadness and yet we did pull together and lean on one another as a family. We did tell some stories and share memories of Marilyn. Family members and friends wrapped their arms around us and prayers were felt from all directions. It helped. The calls and the texts and the friends showing up from far away. The outpouring from everyone really and truly meant more to Trevor than I can even express. We needed all that love. After arriving in Atlanta we went into planning mode. Making arrangements and decisions I never dreamed we'd have to make. You see, Marilyn was the glue. She was the one that always made things run smoothly. The one that kept their family together and the one that knew what to do. So many times we wanted to reach out and ask her what to do. I did feel her though. We stayed with Trevor's grandparents and I felt her in their house. I felt her everywhere. I felt her cooking and her decorating and her laughter in the next room. I just felt her. Trevor was so strong. He spoke at the service and truly did his momma proud. Everyone She would have been so proud. After going strong for those few days, we came home and collapsed. My body ached all over and it still doesn't seem real. It was almost harder to come home though, because it's like now what? Time to grieve I suppose. Life is so very precious.

The last time I saw Marilyn was her visit here. She got to see our house, and cook for us, and see our life here. Most importantly she got to be with Miriam and hug her and love her. A few beautiful days of uninterrupted time with her granddaughter. All I can say is it was a real blessing. She loved that baby more than anything. Truly. Marilyn brought Miriam this cute little toile purse on her visit. Inside was an elmo phone and goodies. Miriam adores it and takes it everywhere! It's little things like that that keep reminding me of her. After her visit here I randomly sent her a photo-book of pics from the visit. Her husband gave it to me while we were down there. It's not something I normally did, but for whatever reason I put it together really quick and off it went in the mail. Last night I listened to our answering machine. A message from Marilyn after she got the book played. To say she loved it is an understatement. She oohed & ahhed & cried a little on the message (so Marilyn) and said how much she loved us and loved being with us and how she couldn't wait to come back. I'm so glad I sent her that book. I hope she knew how much we loved her.

This morning I asked Miriam if she knew who's birthday it was today. She said… "mine." I said… "no baby, it's Grand-Mares birthday today. She would have been 64 years old and she loved you so much." I wish we could wish her happy birthday today. I wish we could talk. I know she would tell me some funny story and make me laugh. I wish she could have seen Miriam in her cupcake costume the other night. She would've got such a hoot out of it. I wish she was here for Trevor and Lindsay. I wish Miriam would remember her as she gets older, though I know, with all my heart, a piece of her light is inside my baby girl. She sure lit up a room. I wish I could touch her and I wish she'd come back.

I promise to tell Miriam all about you, Marilyn. You will be her guardian angel, watching over from above. I promise she will know you and know your spirit. I promise to take care of Trevor and be by his side. I promise we will remember you, feel you, celebrate you, and love you always and forever.

The tide recedes but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand,

The sun goes down, but gentle warmth still lingers on the land

The music stops, and yet it echoes on in sweet refrains…

For every joy that passes, something beautiful remains.
{not sure where it came from, but this poem was on the fridge at Marilyn's parents house}